MOONBAT MANIA

I was attending my first press conferance as a journalist when I noticed Chelsea Clinton making lude gestures directed towards me.I avoided eye contact with her and when I turned to face Sen. Clinton I felt my underwear creeping up between my legs as she began to release a low unearthly hum and began gesturing at me. This in response to a question I posed to her, "Mrs. Clinton,Do you think it ethical for your husband to be carrying Helen Thomas to and from the Arab Embassy in a swaddle blanket?"

7th Cavalry

Among the many places I've traveled during the previous 2 months time perhaps my greatest culinary experiance was found in a large mess tent in the middle of a vast desert. It was there that I stayed for two nights with the United States 7th Cavalry, the deadliest and most overworked members of the famous/infamous 'Blackjack Battalion'. These men spend their days scouting and chasing extremely bad guys but at night they rustle through their allotment of M.R.E's to offer to the most skilled 'foodie' among them... First Sgt. Allison 'Chef' Garland, to formulate their govt. issued loveless mash into a taste of home. Our boys don't get shown a lot of love over there but 'Chef' makes sure they have bacon,butter and sweet kernel corn to transform the cold meals that they are given into something much better..far better..than the food these repressed and forgotten souls have ever been allowed to pursue to eat. The fact that the '7th' eats bacon with ALL of their M.R.E's is a point of pride among these sons of mothers, in a land where it is forbidden and is assured to them because of previous agreements hastily formulated so that the 7th would risk themselves to relieve and more often 'SAVE' the beaten down divisions that seemed to have been forgotten by their own battalion commanders in the previous 6 Wars( including Indian,Mexican, WWI,WWII,Korean,Vietnam and Iraqi missions.) Around here if you say you don't want bacon added to your 'Chicken Chow Mein,Chicken n Dumplings,Salisbury steak or Lasagna Meal Realy to Eat... you better run like hell, because the 7th will call in a gunship to smoke your sorry ass... Vegetarians and people that don't eat Bacon are not fit to fight and think too much before pulling the trigger. Everyone eats bacon round here. It's 6:30pm and the base is preparing to eat... Imagine... a squad of 130 Soldiers having earlier handed over their agreed upon and govt. issued M.R.E base ingrediant for the night and sauntering into the mess tent and being seated..wanting to eat Anything, but expecting it to be as close to Mommas home cookin as possible, and you're the cook, and your customers all have high powered assault rifles... One would think that in the year 2005 the Pentagan would equip our most at risk soldiers the common decency of fresh garlic cloves, Olives,butter, Kosher Salt, Peppercorns and perhaps even Shallots... but NOOOoooooo.... apparently we have not achieved the level of technology of logistics to provide such essential culinary items for men and women stuck in a situation that may require that they die all of a sudden.... In the absence of such foresight.. Sgt.'Chef' Garland has procured these and more for his fighters. The Meal began with Hot Coffee and caramelized figs,the figs being purchased from the local village Fig Farmer for the princely sum of 5 dollars. He only wanted 2 dollars but these were good figs,legendary even, so Mansu was paid 5 dollars. He handed over an armload of amber colored sugar snap candies in return for the gracious purchase. These went well with the after dinner Hot Tea that is becoming popular with most of the veterens. First course was portioned into the Army issued 'cups' in the form of a thick soup. Thick with barley and mutton,3 Military issued Crackers dusted with garlic and served with goat cheese. Delicious after being drizzled with the tart yogurt recieved from a wonderful Arab family in exchange for 'information'. 2nd course(Also the Main course) was (per individual) One ladle of Bacon flavoured Chicken Ala King, studded with corn kernels flash fried in bacon grease and combined with the ramen noodles every soldier ask for and recieves from back home. (Yes, it seems as though Ramen noodles are now and forever going to be desired and consumed by American men..in college,unemployed or in the military). Dessert was comprised of standard issued Military cookies( Cookie:Chocolate covered) sounds delicious! well it is when dipped into heated pots of reduced Figs spiced with cloves and sugar. This meal was prepared by 6 men under the strict guidance of Sgt. Garland and is always well recieved... If they don't like it, thats ok... the 7th Cav is an American force... and makes sure that crazy people recieve latrine duty. I'm back and I'm talking...

Pakistan Parkay

We had recently been sent to this region of the province because of a recent natural disaster. Our mission was to inspect a historic artesian well that had been constructed by the engineers of Alexanders great army thousands of years ago. the last time I had been there,almost 20 years ago , the water was still perculating up and over the sides of the smooth natural stones that formed a large above ground open cistern from which all passers-by were welcome to drink from...and all that passed by the well did indeed drink from it, and drink deeply, for it is the best water on this planet, and the loss of the well would have been unfortunate historically but the well would have to be recreated in any event because people in the area relied upon this centuries old stone water tank as sure as we rely upon our 'Last Chance' gas stations. We arrived at the site to find it unscathed and the only people around it were those fortunate to have been in this open area of the valley during the great upheaval. As this place was a travel stop... most people that would need to find a pristine source of fresh water were largely prevented from making the trek here due to the sorry state of the roads. We were able to make it to this location only after 3 days of travel using all-terrain and tracked vehicles. a Camel or an Ass wouldn't have stood a chance... As the 'Foodie' of the team I was paying close attention to two women nearby that seemed to be preparing a meal. One was seated on the ground in front of a criss-cross of sticks with a goats bladder hanging down from the middle of the stand and she was pushing it back and forth. My first thoughts,from me to you, were 'Now why is she doing that?' ' It couldn't be water inside I'm sure...' The bladder seemed tight, as if full of air, and it bobbled slightly as if partially filled with liquid. The woman next to her was sitting at an oval shaped slab of iron heated by glowing embers beneath it as she spalts flats of dough down onto it and they release a crisp sizzle after striking the surface... like the sound of a thin glass rod snapping in half..or the tac of the pull of a quality rifle trigger. The girl in front of the swinging bag of 'something' responded to the women making the bread when she would call out to her by opening the bladder and passing a fingerful amount of its contents that would be in turn delivered to the searing hot surface of the flat iron. I had to know what this was all about... so I walked over to them and after a few seconds of each of making Sergio Leone type eye contact I communicated that I wanted to know what was inside of this bladder. The young girl kindly opened it up and held it over to me... it smelled sour..and once I pulled it open and held it towards the sunlight I could see inside that it was full of milk.. and full of butter curds... These two girls would be the envy of most of the upper percentile of Chefs that I know...just because of their adherance to a pure and simple recipe that is shared verbally only and must be performed perfectly or else hours of time are wasted. . . and the Main Bread Staple is at risk of ruination. I decided to buy some of their butter to use in the meal I had decided to prepare that night for my team and the people around us fortunate enough to be here...and not there. I pulled out my K-bar and grabbed a 5 dollar bill and walked over to the guy that seemed to be in charge of the small herd of goats and sheep... We were gonna have Sheep in a Blanket tonight...with the help of my two new friends.